what if i told people the truth?

well, not just any “people”, but people i trust.

what if i told them, for once, how i feel and why i feel the way i feel?

i could regret it, that’s why..

I think this is the single most saddest thing i have read/ thought on in 21 years, “God is a man-made creation, so you can kind of think of happiness in the same way. You make it yourself!”

God, 

Why do you let us live like this?

I know the truth, but what good does that do for others?

I feel so helpless.

I want to be used, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

God, I will never lose faith in You.

But please..build my trust and courage and devotion… and especially LOVE

for YOU as well as OTHERS.

♥ You reign. 

Satan will never NEVER have victory. EVER!

     God, I love the song, “You give and take away! You give and take away! My heart will choose to say, ‘Lord, Blessed be Your name!’…” But, God, too often I don’t really concentrate on one of the most important aspects of this song. “You give AND TAKE away!” Whenever I’m going through a “rough patch” or a difficult circumstance that I can easily have negative perceptions about, I need to remember that there’s no difference in Your plan. Like, no matter if You’re blessing me with good material things, people, events, opportunities, OR if You’re [still] BLESSING me with UNFORTUNATE situations…no matter what…You still know what You’re doing. It is still good; perfect, even! and You still love me! In fact, I’m starting to get the idea that Your love resounds mostly during my difficult times, because during those times, I really know where my heart is, where I am messed up, et cetera. 
     With that being said, THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOD for my struggles, my lack of responsibility, where I can learn to be better and learn to get closer to You.
     Most importantly, God, thank you for not giving up on me, and for opening my mind and my heart to these things.
     There is nothing that makes me happier than pleasing You. I pray I never forget this.
 
♥♥♥ 

Now I remember why things are not running smoothly.

Now I see why I’m not seeing things the way I used to.

Now I understand [a little more]what mercy means.

Now I know what I must do…

          I let myself fall into the trap.

          I let society tell me how to think.

          I let people show me how to feel.

          I let God fall away.

How could I have been so blind and so selfish, even after all I’ve come to know about you, Lord?

Please, fix me once more. Bring me back to You. 

I want to be real.

I want to be confident.

I want to be forgiving.

I want to be understanding.

I want to love.

I want to believe.

I want to be with You again. 

Forever with You.

♥

it’s becoming more and more difficult 
as each day passes
to understand who I am.

i know that you created me in Your image.
i know that you love me and accept me just the way i am.
but what if i don’t want to be accepted for “who i am.”
what if i want to change.
what if i want what other people have?
…athough, i’m not exactly sure what i’m looking at.
i’m not exactly sure what they have that i want.

i do know that it is really really hard to accept your love
when i know that people don’t accept me.

i am too selfish.
i am far too selfish for my own good.
it’s like, all my worries, my problems, my pain
it all stems from my pride-my selfishness.
my flesh.

God, i want to know you so badly!
i want to be free from this constant battle within myself.
it seems impossible.
i know you make everything possible and all things GOOD,
but God,
it’s been 21 years
and i’m still a hopeless wreck.

when will you finally rid me entirely of my pride and greed?
a better question would be…
when will i finally SURRENDER my pride and everything i THINK i need to YOU?

i ask you once more, please do NOT give up on me!
i want to try harder.
i want to try longer.
i want to believe with a stronger faith than ever before.

because i do know that you died for me,
and i know that it’s my turn to live, and live for You,
but, God, it is not possible without You.
and it is impossible if i stand in my way.
yes, i am the only blockade protecting myself against…
well, myself!
help me to tear the walls down
and help me to build a strong fortress.

i want to be completely humbled, surrendered, in awe, and moved
completely and solely by You.
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

You are my King, my Redeemer, my total Savior,
and I am less than dust without You.

You are my LIGHT that guides me through “days” and “nights.”

You are my STRENGTH that leads me to “victory.”

and You are my WISDOM that provides my decision-making.

i love you so much.

and i am so sorry.

i’m just so sorry…


i don’t need to understand who i am.
the only thing i need to focus on is WHO YOU ARE, God.
everything else (my relationship, my family, my friends, my schooling, my career, miscellaneous finances)…it will all fall right into place…during YOUR timing.

by YOUR timing and YOUR wisdom, i will live another day
learning about YOU and YOUR plan.

i am forever and ever Yours!

AMEN.♥